• Hannah Shields

LIZA MINNELLI LIES

Updated: Mar 18, 2020

It's the morning after the night before. You're lying in the arms of a delicious specimen, somewhere between paradise and severe dehydration. You roll over, your gazes meet, he looks into your eyes and says... "So, I really enjoyed last night." "Oh, me too!" I say in my best husky voice. "Did you...?" I didn't. Not even close. There was a moment five minutes in, which was pretty bloody hot but I held back. Now I wish I hadn't. It's hard with straight sex though. Men are sensitive. The last time I brought up the orgasm gap, we had a 25 minute conversation about his endurance like he was some sort of Gillette razor. He's jumping in the shower now. He's like clockwork, that boy. Sex, shower, shave. I hate to be the one to break his routine. So instead I'm sat here like the world's worst feminist, drier than a martini and contemplating if he's The One.


This is what my friend David calls entering AA. The post-Ariana/ pre-Adele phase of a relationship. You know when you've been dating for someone for three months and it's not all sweetener but not all soppy either. And you realise you like them enough to let them see you without a full face of make up and your hair done up to the nines, but you're not brave enough to tell them that every time they do the washing-up and sling a wet tea towel over their shoulder your ovaries come alive... Of course, I tell David that I'm usually very honest with the men I date. And then he asks if Jamie knows that I semi-regularly dress up as Dorothy Gale and perform a Judy Garland tribute act. I say no because he wouldn't get the reference and the last time I mentioned Judy Garland he thought I was talking about a Christmas wreath.


The water's stopped. He's shaving now. (Told you he's a man of routine.) He'll be out any minute. I have to make myself alluring...


He strolls out the bathroom and sits on the bed.

"Hey you!" I wink for emphasis. "Are you allergic to something?"

"No, why?" "Your voice sounds all weird and you keep blinking." "I must have forgotten to take my contacts out." I don't know why I said that. I have 20/20 vision. "I didn't think you needed glasses." "I don't I -" "Wear contacts?" "Yes. No! I mean -" Bloody hell... "I wore them to a party a few nights ago though..." "Oh. Right." "It was a fancy dress party... Have you seen the music video for Stupid Love?" "Sorry?"

"Never mind."

He looks at me then, straight in the eyes. "Are you hiding something from me?" "No...!" Other than the fact that I'm a faghag...


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